 |
| This week we were asked to take you somewhere. Where, was up to us -fiction or creative nonfiction- but we were asked to use our words to paint the setting as vividly as possible, in 200 words. I love the opportunity to work on fiction. |
She opens her eyes, and a blinding white light causes her to flinch. The light seems to intensify and she blinks again. What appears to be a bright light is the metallic incandescence of the walls that surround her. It is a small enclosure that seems not to have a door or windows, yet she smells a crisp whiff of ozone. perfuming the air. She raises her head and sees that she is lying on a cold metal bench in the middle of the room. Not restrained, she sits up looking and listening for clues to where she is. Planting her feet on the floor, she could feel a humming vibration coming from outside the room. She crosses the room to the luminous wall and puts her hand out to touch it and is knocked to the floor from a charge running through her body. The walls begin to shimmer. then disappear. The crisp air she breathed in the chamber is replaced by a damp foul odor. Dark passages lead off in three directions and from the middle passage she hears heavy footsteps moving in her direction. Perspiring she wonders aloud, "What is this madness?"
I think I'd be perspiring too! Love the idea of 'the metallic incandescence of the walls'.
ReplyDeletethis is really intense!
ReplyDeleteooohhh.... at first I was thinking solitary.. then foul odor made me think she was shocked strong enough that she created it.... then I thought mental institution... very creative!
ReplyDeleteWow, great descriptions. That sounds like one creepy place.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued, but the fresh air comment doesn't work for me. I dont' really think of ozone smell as being fresh. I associate it with a damp, storm smell. Maybe, it's just me.
ReplyDelete-Nora
http://norabpeevy.blogspot.com/
Intriguing! I want to know what the 'madness' is too!
ReplyDeleteWow. You did a great job of using sensory words to describe this setting. I loved the "refreshing whiff of ozone" which later becomes "a damp foul odor".
ReplyDeleteI also liked "Planting her feet firmly on the floor." One suggestion here is to remove the word "firmly." I don't think you need it as "planting" captures that feeling perfectly.
This is a really good beginning or middle of something. I want more!!! At first, I thought she was in a morgue, but then you changed things up and now I want to know, WHERE IS SHE?
Well done take on the prompt:~)
Quite an intense scene. There is mystery and a touch of foreboding.
ReplyDeleteA few things: you slipped tenses a few times. This for example: "She crossed the room to the luminous wall and put her hand out to touch it" should have crosses instead of crossed and puts instead of put.
It could use some tightening, losing unnecessary words but overall it is intriguing :)
You set the eeriness and intensity here perfectly!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the critique, I changed tenses in the proofing and missed that one. I tightened it up a little as suggested.
ReplyDeleteEveryone is using the word intensity. I would also use the word tight. Everything is close quartered. It feels intimate and urgent. I liked it a lot. the pacing was perfect. Good work.
ReplyDeleteVery effective use of all senses in this piece ... and I love the word "incandescence" ... it has such an aural appeal !
ReplyDelete"Metallic incandescence" is a really interesting and evocative descriptor.
ReplyDeleteI like the contrasting of ozone and the damp, foul odor, but I want to really smell the foul one--is it rotting? is it thick and sulfuric? is it musty? moldy?
Ozone to me suggests electric, which works very well with the following charge running through the walls, but I'm not sure I think " refreshing" or "whiff" when I smell ozone.
I think you've really embraced the spirit of the prompt, and I'd be interesting in reading more of what's happened to her.